Just Keep Swimming…

Today has been difficult.

Like, on an insane level.

I woke up at 5am. No reason, no obsessing thoughts, just wide awake. So I sat and colored for a while, I started the fish in new colors.

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After a while I turned on Sherlock: The sign of three.

I was meant to work tonight, so once it got to a decent hour, I texted my boss to make sure that I had the details right. Well, the event had been canceled and they hadn’t told me. So they asked me to cover an event today…

And thats when things got hard.

I was there to stop people from parking in a parking lot and crossing the street to go to a faire. Its the kind of detail that I dislike. But I took it anyway because I haven’t worked in a while and I need to get back in the swing of it. So I had it okay for the first hour. I would tell people they weren’t able to park there, but they could park down the street at a different site. It didn’t matter. People were rude and pissed off, even with my kind approach.

Then the pressure in my head started to build and I wanted to come home. My brain started running through excuses and reasons not to be there. The growing panic wasn’t helping me out at all. I did some of my breathing exercises, it only got me so far. I tried to describe what I was seeing in order to help ground me, again, only got me so far. And then I started to panic. I couldn’t do the job. I called my boss and told him I had to come home. He was really nice and let me go.

I met up with my boyfriend at Wavehaven, thinking that he’d be mad and disappointed in me, but I needed to let him know that I couldn’t do it. I needed a hug. I needed the comfort that comes from him. He wasn’t mad, only concerned at my state. He gave me credit for trying and for doing my best today. He explained that it just wasn’t the shift for me to jump back into that that was okay, but it was good for me to try.

I’m in transitions on new medications. So today is a detox day where I’m not really allowed to take anything to help me balance out. I think that might have been part of the problem. I didn’t have the tools or the help I’d been receiving for the past few weeks and it made everything just so much worse.

So last night it felt productive for me craft and book wise. I started a new coloring page, a fish. I felt made some decent progress.All he’s colored in is different shades of orange. Light to dark, with one neon orange thrown in. I’m really happy with how he’s turning out. And then I also finished my book Empire of Night. So I was able to start the last book in the trilogy, Forest of Ruin.


Day 8

What is in my bag?

Well, I have my eppi pens for emergencies. Yay for anaphylactic shock. I have my Fidget pony 2.1. A set of headphones and the case they live in. My big wallet. My coloring book and pencils that go with me everywhere now. My note book in case I get hit with thoughts I can’t shake. Some medication I need to carry with me. And that’s it. Kind of boring really in the world of whats in the bag.

At one point I was carrying handcuffs and spurs in my bag at the same time tho. Does that count as interesting?

Back to everyday life…

So after coming home I eventually passed out. I think I was just so emotionally worn down it was needed. I had tried coloring for a while and doing a few other exercises to calm down, but nothing really seemed to stick. But the nap seemed to help. I just feel a little fidgety now, not super anxious or upset anymore, which is a good thing.

My boyfriend and I ran and did a few errands after I woke up, including hitting up Best Buy (which isn’t always the case). We ended up buying The Lego Movie which somehow was not in our collection yet. And, as he calls it, Deadpoople. AKA Deadpool. Apparently the gag real on Deadpool is amazing. He’s already seen it and was dying of laughter, I can’t wait to do the same.

So as I work through the hardships of my day one line just keeps going through my head…

Just keep swimming…

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