I know it’s a long title, but I was listening to one of my favorite bands, Halestorm, to one of my favorite songs, Dear Daughter, and it seemed like it was the truth for today. So here, give it a listen.

Dear Daughter by Halestorm.

Oh my god. I know I’m a few days late, well, we watched it last night, but that last episode of Game Of Thrones.

I won’t spoil it for others in case you haven’t seen it yet. But oh good lord. What an episode. So many twists and turns. The acting in this episode was amazing by all of the cast. During one scene something awesome was happening, and all I could focus on was the snow falling in the background. I miss the snow. I wish I got to see more of it. One of these years my boyfriend and I will go up while its snowing.

But we have to wait 9 more months before we see what happens! 9 MONTHS! That’s a human pregnancy! Everyone I know who is pregnant right now (the count is currently 5 for those who care) will have popped and had their offspring. Crazy.

I spent most of the night on the computer. Weird. Its like my boyfriend and I switched places. He was happy on the sofa watching TV and being on his phone and I was happy on the computer doing my own thing. Which includes working on this. And downloading a lot of awesome wallpapers from Imgur. I’ve gotten so many images off that website its crazy. But I love looking at them and I download my favorites.

Do you ever feel like you are a step behind in life? Like you’ve missed a step and so you are scrambling to catch up? That’s what I have been feeling like lately. I think it’s one of the reasons why I’ve been so sad. My friends and family seem so… together. So ready. They have careers and families and those families are growing and I’m sitting here just trying not to freak out and wondering about going back to school.

I know its not fair to judge others, everyone is fighting some sort of battle, and that they are throwing up a front just like me. Very few people post or share their hard times on social media. You usually only see the good things. I understand that. But I see others progressing faster than I am, or getting results quicker or at a younger age. Like they know what they wanted and got to go for it. Its true, I’ve had to change my career path due to multiple reasons, so I do have that on my side. But that isn’t a good thing I don’t think. When something doesn’t work out so you have to go back to square one.

Maybe that’s it. Because I’m having to face square one again, it feels like by myself which I know is false. I have my boyfriend by my side. He said he’ll support me in whatever I want to do in order to make myself happy. He really is amazing. I’m super lucky that I found him and that he is so kind and caring.

But having to go back to square one when everyone else is so far ahead of me. Its scary. Because all I can think of is ‘what if I fail at this too?’ And what if I do? I don’t know what else I’d want to do with my life. Or what else I could do with my life. I will have tried both of my dream jobs and failed at both. Writing these fears down makes them seem ridiculous, but that is part of the anxiety talking. Worrying about the future. And my depression focuses on the worst outcome.

I am a smart person. I mean, I know this, but believing in it and in myself is something completely different. I’m smart. I’m strong. I’m a good person. Things that I have to remind myself of daily. Which I fail at most days. I do try to do my best daily, some days are just harder than others.

I was meant to go and work my horse job today, but I was up all night with really bad muscle spasms in my calf and my arm. I tried to foam roll the area, and then I used my TENS Unit and it didn’t really seem to help any. I finally fell asleep around 530 watching Good Eats with the one and only Alton Brown.

When I did wake up I felt horrible, and my head was pounding. I called out sick because the idea of being in the heat and putting my head in a helmet didn’t seem like a good combination. I’m normally not like this, avoiding riding, but I just didn’t feel good enough today. I feel like when I am not at my best it is not fair to the horses that I work with or to my employer. I know that we are allowed off days, but I don’t think that today was a good off day.

I thought about riding my bike down to the beach and just sitting in the sand and watching the surf. But then I’m not really a beach kind of person. I know that I’d get bored within minutes of being there. I still might go for a bike ride, just a quick one around the neighborhood.

I also talked to one of my bosses today. They found me a shift to work on the weekends, it doesn’t give me a lot of hours, but it is better than nothing. I also got a post for the mandatory work day of the 4th of July.

I’m lucky because its just down the street from where I live. So I can ride my bike to avoid the traffic or have my boyfriend drop me off and pick me up, I’ll have to wait and see. I think that my anxiety medicine will be required that day. Between the fireworks and telling people where they can and can’t go I’ll need it.

Just keep swimming