My mind is a….

My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

No. No its not. Its blank. I just wanted to say something smart and catchy. Thank you Blazing Saddles.

I’m not really sure on what to talk about. I’ve been up for an hour. My mind isn’t racing or obsessing over anything.

Oh! We upgraded Stormfly’s habitat.

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Stormfly wasn’t acting super happy in his little (recommended by the pet store) size tank. He was just sorta there. Stopped being happy and swimming around and such. Just doing non fishy behavior.

So my boyfriend did some research and it wasn’t a big enough tank for him. So after my class last night we ran into PetSmart to get some stuff to upgrade him and make him happier. We got him a bigger tank (he’s going from 1 gallon to 5, it’s also a starter set so it came with the filter and lights), some more decorations and plants to hide in, gravel, a betta fish hammock, and a bigger sized heater.


We then moved his little tank into his big tank and filled it up with warm water. We decided to keep him like that over night to help him adjust to the new water temperature and get a new look at his new environment.

If I was to give someone advice, I’d say: Don’t pull an us. Do your research before you buy any kind of fish. I mean this has been a learning experience and I’m all for those. But there is a big reason why we got a bigger tank last night. But if we had known what we were getting into we would have gotten one right away and not wasted so much money. We are going to keep his little tank for when we clean out his big one, so it wasn’t totally wasted. But I think you might know what I mean.

But a huge driving reason behind buying new stuff so soon is that I didn’t want Stormfly to die. I didn’t and don’t want to be a failure when it comes to a fish. I already feel like I fail at so much, and that I have failed. I just want to be able to look at something in my life right now and be like ‘look, I’m not a failure.’

I’m sure there are people going ‘you’re not a failure.’ I thank you for that, I really do. But it doesn’t stop the feeling. I  had to drop out of school this semester. True, I got really sick. But I’m mad at myself for not being able to keep going. My job is a constant reminder that I never got into law enforcement. I work really hard to take care of my horse, who lives at my parents house instead of a stables where I can work and ride him and he has other horses around. Which is healthier for them. Heard mentality. I haven’t really worked for close to 3 months due to mental and physical illnesses. I don’t even think I’ve worked a full pay period (2 weeks) yet this year because of everything.

It might be hard to accept, but its okay. I am trying to do my best and move on. To be more productive. To do a better job at work and to better myself. I want to start going to the gym again, on top of riding my bike and horseback riding. I want to start eating healthier. I know that this isn’t going to happen over night, and that it will be hard, but this is one way to keep myself in check.

We just moved Stormfly into his new tank. The transition went fairly smooth. We did everything we could to make it be easy, but no matter what you do it’s still going to be a shock. He’s being pushed around by the current from the filter right now, but he’ll learn how to get stronger from it and swim.

He loves his log. Good to know.

I had class for depression today. In class we discussed mindfulness. I know I have covered the topic a few times, so I won’t bore you with it again. But I did work on my dragon.

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I had another class tonight on cognitive thought distortions family group. So my parents and my boyfriend were in this new class with me. My heart was in my stomach which was churning acid like no one’s business. I was fidgety, I felt like I was barely breathing because this was a new subject for me, let alone my blind sided family. I think this was the volcano example the instructor was talking about last night. You feel so much inside during a situation, but no one on the outside (minus those who know you really well) have any idea.

So we talked about skills regarding relapse warning signs, education system resources, support systems/stress management, and self-care. These are all important things to someone with thought distortions, or just mental health in general. We got up and talked to strangers (difficult for me since I have social anxiety as well). We talked about something which had turned out better that we thought it had. And something which had turned out worse than anticipated. Both of these regarding mental health.

After class we went to dinner at the Macaroni Grill, which was alright. It was decided  that I had the best dish of the night with my pasta dish. I enjoyed it but I wasn’t overly wowed by it, neither was anyone else at dinner. It was pricey and the food came out luke warm.

But there was a Michales craft store across the parking lot. We ran in there so I could get some more yarn to make 2 more tails. I’m going to make one that matches my planets tunic and then replace my old Wavehaven/Canara tail.

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And here is my #PoliceWeek Topic from the day from the Bangor Maine Police Department. It’s just a great little quick read. I hope you enjoy it. If you are into supporting law enforcement, I suggest following your local department pages on Facebook. It helps you see what is going on in your community and how your department deals with situations. My local departments share what happens on the shift, images and stories, public meet and greets and events.


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