Yesterday was really difficult. I felt that I was struggling the whole day against everything. What little self-confidence I did have suddenly plummeted. I hated the fat person staring back at me in the mirror in the clothes that wouldn’t fit properly. I felt that I was just spinning my wheels and not going anywhere. It seemed whatever good thing that I did, multiple things seemed to go wrong.
I know and understand that it is part of the depression, but yesterday that didn’t seem to help or matter. I walked around with this feeling of shame and guilt.
I walked around with this feeling most of the afternoon and evening. I couldn’t explain it to anyone because I didn’t understand it myself. It could have come from the misunderstanding my boyfriend and I had. Or from the panic attack in front of my family and having to lie about why I practically ran out of the house.
I’m trying every day to do my best. But I feel like it’s not working. I’m getting tired of it. I’m tired of not seeing or feeling my improvements. It doesn’t seem to count for me when others tell me they see my improvements. Part of me just wants to give up, I’m so tired of trying and failing.
But as I sit here typing and listening to Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and the birds start chirping as the sun starts to rise over the bay, it’s the start of a new day. I don’t have to carry the worries and feelings of yesterday with me into this new day. I’ve slept, not as much as I would have liked but I did.
I’m looking into starting a class at the gym, since I’m always up early. I know not to jump into it every day, but if I can go two times this week I’ll be happy. Maybe it’ll help me feel better about myself and help me lose weight too. My medicines are notorious for making people gain weight, not that I was light to begin with.
I surprised myself by crawling back into bed and falling asleep for 2 more hours. I can’t decided if that’s a good or a bad thing with how I feel right now. I also changed from listening to Harry Potter to Area 51: The Nightstalkers. I’m currently on the 3rd book, The Rift. One of the characters from the first book has returned, which makes me happy. She was a good character.
We are thinking of changing a few things in Stormfly’s tank.
His fins are getting torn up from some of the plants we have. We took out the sharper ones, and are just trying to find a safe replacement. So far some sites (such as Betta Fish Center) recommend silk plants instead of plastic. Some suggest using real plants.
Well, today’s challenge is meant to be my favorite quote. But I don’t really have one. Well,maybe I do have one: Everything will be fine. I guess that is my favorite quote right now. It helps me get through my day a lot. But here are some more that I enjoy.
Where would I like to be in 10 years?
Well, I think that I would like to live in a house instead of an apartment. I would like there to be land, but I think I’d have to live outside California or win the lottery for that to happen. I’d love to still be riding and hopefully still have a horse. Maybe a dog. By that time I’d like to be a large animal vet tech. That plan is going to take 4 years at the rate I’m going. To be part of a new family. Even if it’s just 2 of us with 2 legs in it, I’d be happy. I don’t want to be rich, I want to be comfortable. Not super stressed out about money all the time.
Back to normal life..
Here, you should also enjoy the song that my boyfriend got stuck in my head.
I also worked on some coloring after going for a bike ride this morning. Well, its more like I finished up the picture that I started yesterday.
After lunch and watching some music videos on youtube I went down to Petsmart and got some fish tank improvements. I picked up 2 silk plants for Stormfly, and one live plant: The Amazon Sword. It is apparently one of the easiest plants to take care of and its the closet one which likes the same environmental standards as Stormfly does. I moved a few things around to add the new plants, and it made everything seem exciting and new again so he’s been inspecting again.
Just keep swimming….
One thought on “Shame, Shame, I know your name”
You’ve got this!
I think the gym class is a great idea, but don’t be surprised if you don’t finish the class the first week. The improvement will show every week, but the first day I went back to spin class I was toast after 30 mins. Next week I pushed myself to 40, then 50, and now I can (barely) finish the class. Exercise will make you start feeling good in about 2 weeks and everyone else will notice your progress in about 2 months.
Just keep swimming!
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