First off: Go San Jose Sharks!

Oh my god what a game. I swear that the Blues were sleeping with the ref’s for most of the game, but we still won. 3-2 lead and the Sharks are coming home for the next game. Fingers crossed they win and then oh my god, we’d go to the Stanley Cup for the first time in team history! Even if we don’t make it I’m super proud of  the Sharks and what they’ve done.

I’m up super early again, so I’ll go to the early bird class at the gym this morning. I’m hoping that it won’t be too busy. And I got some great advice from one of my followers yesterday on maintaining realistic expectations. So thank you for that. Also since the early bird class is 2 days a week I figure it’s a great place to start. They have the same class a little later in the morning on the other days in case I miss it or I want to do more. So I have options.

I also finished my space garb tail yesterday while watching the Goosebumps movie. I used to read the books all the time as a kid, and I would watch it when it was a TV show too. The movie had some jokes and puns that made me laugh out loud, and some great references to other Jack Black movies. It took me most of the movie and an episode of Burn Notice to finish my new tail.

I think my next tail will be one for the San Francisco Giants. What can I say, I’m a mostly bay area sports team girl. San Francisco Giants, San Francisco 49ers, San Jose Sharks… it’s all good.

Last night I was still feeling super wound up and fidgety. I decided to take a hot bath and while I was soaking I used my Mindfulness app and did a 15 minute meditation. It worked so good I was ready to crawl into bed and fall asleep afterwards. I was still a little fidgety but it took the edge off enough and it was super relaxing with the hot water. I really recommend the app. I think it costs like $2 but for me it has totally been worth it.

So I was good. I went to the gym and took a class. Oh my god, I sweated so much.  Right next to the guys I had a huge crush on in high school. Isn’t that always the way? But at least I wasn’t covered in horse slime and was able to carry on a semi normal conversation with him. No, I’m no longer crushing on him. Just to make that clear.

So the class is took is called Bootcamp X. “Bootcamp X is an all levels class that includes: Cardio, calisthenics, plyometrics, martial art drills and lots of abs. It’s a full body workout that you will appreciate even for a few days after :)”  Its kind of like the gyms version of Crossfit. But it’s not as angry and competitive. And the music selection is better. The trainer was awesome, literally covered from head to toe in ink. She was a great motivator and encouragement. Even though it felt like everyone was dying she was making it fun and funny. She was surprised that I stayed up with and through the whole class. “I would have been done by now and quit.” “I still have energy left.”

I guess all the bike riding has been good for something.

Day 4

So what am I afraid of? I’m afraid of being a failure. I know that is most people’s fear, but its true right now. I… feel like I have already failed at so much that is the path that I am walking down despite my best efforts. I failed at getting a job in my dream profession (law enforcement), I don’t feel like I am to old and I know I don’t have enough money to start a career in horses by myself. And I know you are meant to do something that you love as a job, so it doesn’t feel like work. That would be horses. But they are just money pits. No matter how much you invest in them, you never really get your money back. I think I chose the two hardest professions as my dreams and goals.

That’s why I’m going for being a large animal vet tech. I want to specialize in horses. That way I still get to work with them, and I get to have a challenging job. People call you when they need you. Sometimes and the worst and scariest moments for them or their equine companions. I always enjoyed working with the vet at my old job. And I discovered that it takes a lot to gross me out horse wise.

Plus you get to meet funny characters such as this guy. No, I don’t know him personally, I just think that this is really funny and cute.

School may be taking longer than expected, but that’s okay. I will get there eventually. I think I am going to take the rest of the year off from school and refocus on my health and on work. Once I learn how to balance and take care of myself with those two I’ll take school back on.

Back to regular life…

So I had my depression class today and we talked about finding the signals in feelings. But first we had our check in question: 1 thing or activity that has been helpful. Everyone answered something different. Exercise, letting people know whats going on, being with people, that having a greater understanding has provided less fear, coloring, going out with friends, meditation, self-care, animals, and breathing skills. No, the coloring answer was not me even though I did color in class today.

We discussed what was a thought and what was a feeling.

Feelings are signals trying to tell you something. They are clues to your needs; so that you can take action or use them to problem solve. They are true to you and totally valid. No one can tell you what your feelings are or are not. I loved hearing that. They also provide information about a situation.

Thoughts are ideas, they are words, sentences and phrases. They can be evaluations and judgement. They are perspectives and descriptions “I feel that…” “I feel like…”

Intense emotions clue to distorted thoughts, black and white thinking. This is something I do a lot. I know that there are shades of grey in the world, but sometimes all I see in is in black and white. I try to change it, some times it works, some times it doesn’t.

So after we got home I went to the Orchard Supply Hardware  to get a container to hold all of my yarn. I thought it was a good move. I was able to stuff almost all of my yarn in the container. I should have been smart and counted how many different colors of yarn I have in there. I’ll say at least 20, maybe more.

Now this container is meant to fit under your bed. “Great,” I thought. “Accessible but out of the way.” Do you think that I can get the blood thing in there? No. I even tried putting it on my boyfriends side of the bed. I still can’t get it in. I’m waiting for him to get home to see if he can slide it under the bed. Of maybe I’ll be able to put it on the floor of my closet… hrm…