What does it say about a friendship when you don’t want someone at an event? When you genuinely don’t want them there? After pouring years of time and effort into a relationship, to not want them at an event to participate. I already know that I’d be turned down. But I really don’t want this person coming to events right now. I’m not putting much effort into the friendship currently. But come to think of it, neither are they. Yes, I know people get busy. But with this person I think its a bull shit excuse. They made the effort before when they were super busy, and now we only communicate whenever I start it, and its always quick one or two word answers and I have to go’s.

I haven’t invited them, and its the first time I have ever not wanted this person to come to an event. We used to go over to this persons house at least once a week. We did parties over there. And now I don’t want much to do with them. Were we only destined to be friends for those years, and have a very strong connection just to let it fall apart? I mean its been damaged and took a big hit in the past year.

I listened to this song while playing RTC3 and it hit me at home regarding this friendship. I even saw Wicked with them for fuck’s sake. But we don’t talk. We don’t do anything. Its not from lack of trying on my part. Its always a no. We can’t be seen in public apparently, and we aren’t welcome over at their place anymore. Our place isn’t really up for hosting people. And I know that people talk about having strong friendships with people and going years without talking and when they do talk its like no time has passed. But I don’t think this is the case. I fear that if I let this friendship die, its gone for good. But do you really want to be friends with someone who doesn’t put in the equal amount of energy?

I know that because of this person I am stronger than I used to be. This person saved my life, and I’m not exaggerating on that. They knew I was in trouble and in danger and helped me figure out how to get away safely. And I started to grow, and lift up my beaten down and timid self. I tried new things, I got my first tattoo. I met new people and had new experiences which I never thought I would have because of this person. I turned to them and told them practically everything about me, and they did the same. We learned each others deep dark secrets.

Having a connection with someone which was once that strong, that intense, isn’t meant to fade, is it? If so, thats just so… depressing. I’m still friends with people half way around the world, but I can’t keep a local friendship going? What does that say about me? Am I a bad person? Am I not worth being friends worth? I know not to set self worth on other people and friends and yadda yadda yadda. But seriously, what does it say? Is it that we both changed so much that we just can’t be friends anymore?

I know do this topic a lot, the topic of having problems with a certain friend. But its hard for me, it really is. And writing it down and out helps me out a lot. Getting feedback, knowing that its not all entirely my fault is something that I need to hear. Because I assign a lot of self blame when I don’t need to. And I am trying to be gentler with myself and my self talk.

Okay, on to lighter things.

So last night I decided to repaint my nails. I got one of those nail art pens in white and prat iced doing stripes on a few of my nails. I’m trying to do the Mass Effect stripe so that I can paint my own nails for my boyfriends birthday party. But I think I might have to go and get them professionally done. But I tried and that’s where practice counts and kicks in, right?

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I also started looking at webpages for starting a online store for my tails. I came across some free store templates while looking up tips for making tails. I think as I said I’m going to try a couple new things and change up the style on a couple of the tails I’m going to make for Feast Of Mars. I’m not going to give away details until they are done, but I hope that they turn out good.

Day 15: Timeline of my day

So last time I said that I wouldn’t do it because I said I thought it was stupid. I still think it is. But I’ll do it this time because I can’t use the other challenge since I don’t use Tumbler.

• Wake up.
• Go see Gucci
• Go to Amtgard
• Shower
• Go to work
• Go to bed

Tada! Wow, what a timeline.

Back to every day life…

 

Amtgard was good. I actually fought and played for a good hour. And then when the battle game started I decided to not play and save my energy for work in a few hours.

Between amtgard and going out for a late lunch/early dinner I got sunburned on my face and my arms. Hello aloe gel my old friend.

So I’m doing security at a wedding and I just got an awesome peice of advice. Be with someone who loves you as much as you want to be loved. Not how much you think you deserve. But how much you want love. How wonderful is that?

Just Keep Swimming