Forgive the silence over the weekend, between work and everything else I was busy and didn’t get around to typing up my rough draft. So this is going possibly a long blog, covering the weekend and today.

Saturday

Isn’t it funny how the mind works? How it can get on things from the past? Or maybe that is just how my brain works. For some reason my brain has been stuck on the family of an ex-boyfriend. I wonder how his brother is doing now that he is married and lives out of state. How he’s dealing since their dad is no longer here. I miss his mom and her husband, they were always so much fun to visit and hang out with. His mom was the person that did CAT scans, MRI’s, and X-rays. The husband worked for the county as in inspector if I remember correctly. I haven’t seen or talked to any of them in years, so its weird how my brain has latched onto them today. Maybe it’s because I’m working at the golf course that his dad used to play it.

Speaking of work, its been okay so far. Even through I was locked out of my booth for an hour. I don’t have a set of keys and I was just very lucky that my area supervisory came by and had a spare key on his massive and filled key ring. I already had to trick the golf cart into running because the lack of keys.

The day has been okay. I’ve actually felt kind of useless at my job today. People aren’t stopping for me, making me wonder why I am here in my little booth. Wondering why I’m here for work and just in general. I’m trying to figure out why I’m here, what my purpose in life is. Its not for law enforcement or security, that’s for sure.

We had a few events at work today. A baby shower, a kids party at the pool, a quinceanera, and a wedding. So the stream of traffic has been pretty steady most of the day. Stuff for the wedding has been coming all day; flowers, the cake, the band. I think the band got here first before any of the wedding party. It makes me wonder how people manage to make all the decisions that go into a wedding. I’m sure when it’s happening it might be easier, but to me, from the outside, it just seems so mind-boggling. I still wish the happy couple a happy and long future together.

After work I swung by amtgard and said hi to the people who were in town. I didn’t get to see everyone I wanted to, but some its better than none. I also took my reeves test (basically a referee), and I failed that horribly. But I don’t know the new rules and I wasn’t there for the class so its okay. I also didn’t do it in a group and cheat like other people did. But its not that big of a deal for me, working weekends again. I’ll probably only be able to go to the big events like Feast of Mars in October.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

So today its Sunday, and I’m back in my little booth. I had to break in through the window which I hadn’t closed properly last night. Both a good thing and an oops. I’m sure it was interesting for the golfers to watch, me jump in through the tiny window. I made sure that there was no traffic either way and no one was really watching minus the golfers. I did manage to scuff up the toe of my boots tho.

The first part of my day I spent listening to podcasts. I listened to The Nerdist with Melissa Raunch as the guest. They talked about her new movie The Bronze (no, I didn’t see it), and about The Big Bang Theory (love it).  After that I listened to Stuff you should know and they talked about how Continents got their name. See, I listen to stuff to make myself smarter, not just comedy stuff. Like I learned the controversial story of who America was named after (answer here). I listened to You Must Remember This, the episode focused on Ronald Reagan  After that was Hollywood Babble On.

I’ve been struggling with dark, disturbing thoughts for a little over a week now. I haven’t acted on them. And I’ve started to do a set of squats or push ups every time I have them. It seems to help a little bit, at least it takes the edge off. I’ve been doing it at work mostly. They seem to come up mostly when its quiet or I’m alone. I’m okay if I’m doing something that keeps my mind busy/occupied. Like reading, coloring, working on my blog or listening to  podcasts.

Doing the squats or the push ups have been helping since I’ve been having trouble exercising. And yes, I know that goes hand in hand with the depression and they feed off each other. But I am trying to do something everyday, so that is the important thing. Little steps in the right direction lead to big steps, right?

So while I was busy working, my boyfriend went off to play amtgard at the land of Aureus Saultus. He mostly reeved (ref’d) and put together the castle that we use at the big events.

After work I went to my sister’s place to meet up with the family for dinner. While we were waiting for it to cook my brother’s dog was silly. She was obsessed with my sisters recliner chair, digging her whole head in trying to lick up the crumbs. We call this the disappearing head trick.

We had chicken and dumplings for dinner, my mom spent all day cooking it and it was fabulous. Then we had triple berry pie for desert. I grabbed some left overs and brought them home to my boyfriend, who got back home a little before I did. We also took care of Stormfly last night, adding the new stuff to his water so hopefully everything will do better now, including his plants.

Monday

So, today is Monday. I’ve been taking it easy today, I didn’t wake up feeling really good, so I curled up on the sofa and read my book for a little while. I actually ended up finishing the book. After that I went to the feed store and got Gucci some feed that I had forgotten to get on Thursday, and my mom wanted some feed for the deer that has been hanging out with Gucci.

Gucci was good today, I’m still waiting for word from his farrier on when he’s going to come out and fix his hind feet. He’s moving funny in the hind because his feet are so long, so he’s picking his feet up really high so he wouldn’t trip. I’ve been thinking about maybe moving him to the stable so that I can start putting him back to work. But I haven’t the money to do that, and what would I do on the days that I have security work and can’t make it up there? I’m not sure, its just an idea. And there is nothing wrong with ideas.

I haven’t been spending as much time or effort with Gucci as I should be doing and I’m not sure as to why. I don’t know if its because my energy levels are low, I feel like I can’t do anything with him right now, or because I’m working with other horses. But I feel guilty about it. I really should do something about it this week. Maybe I’ll spend my day with him on Wednesday. Get him all nice and pretty and give him some good ‘just us’ time.

I’m not really sure on what to do with the rest of my day. Its still early afternoon as I type this. I’ve done stuff for work that needed to get done, dropping off some paper work and making sure that other paper work was correct. True, it took me almost a half and hour to make sure that my other paperwork was correct, and for most of that I was on hold, but at least it gone done. Both important things to keep me working.

I’m still thinking of getting another job. I don’t know what I would do, but I don’t want to go back to any places that I have worked before. I left those jobs for a reason. But I don’t have the qualifications to do what I really want to do, and that’s what I am going to school for. I just feel like I am spinning my wheels when it comes to this. I’ve looked at other jobs, but none of them seem to grab my attention or my desires. It’s too bad that my horse job doesn’t have more hours for me to work, I’d just go full time with that and then pay for health insurance. And I’d be able to go to school too.

I’ve been spending my afternoon watching anime. Totally productive, right? Wrong. I also watched a video on Charlotte Dujardin and Valegro from a horse show this weekend in England. Apparently this is the routine that they are going to use in Rio. They won the competition that they were in, no one in the horse world is surprised by this. They are an amazing team and have a lot of medals to their names. I can’t wait to see what they add for the Olympics.

Okay, I guess that is it for today.

Just keep swimming!