So I know its been a long time since I’ve blogged. But I’ve been struggling for the past couple of weeks so doing an entry every day is difficult for me. Or it has been. I know that I had a post that was kind of dark and it upset some people. That wasn’t my intention. I was just trying to get out what was floating around in my head, and it helped me for a little while. I was trying to be brave and share my struggle, but it didn’t seem to happen. I had someone who I never would have expected to turn on me, but they did. They said that I am disturbed and need to get some help, and that they are no longer wanting to be my friend. Not exactly what I was going for or expecting. I have since deleted the post.

But onto lighter things.

I have been busy with my horse job all week. I worked Tuesday, Wednesday and today (Thursday). It was pretty good to be able to work with horses for the start of my week, and the exercise and feeling of being around the horses seemed to help me out a lot. It was hot mostly every day, nearing 100 almost everyday. Yesterday I was lucky and got to do something a little different. I got to take a horse on a trail ride. I didn’t even know there were trails there! So it was a nice 30 minute change from just going around and around in the arena. Although I did do that too.

Today I worked 4 horses. I started my day off with Ella, and she was kind of pissy while I was on her. She would pin her ears and swish her tail, and was very reluctant to do what I said to do. She went around bent when all I wanted was for her to go straight. And then when I asked her to canter she wouldn’t pick up the correct lead. Jerk. She made everything a struggle, which isn’t what I wanted.

After Ella I worked with Diamond, who had a jumping lesson yesterday so he was tired today. So we took it easy. I rode him while my boss was also riding so she was able to give me a few pointers and walked me through some new exercises. Like keeping Diamond in frame while doing upward transitions. Specifically from the walk to the trot. Its possible, we were able to do it a few times. I didn’t work him super long since he was still tired from yesterday.

Once I was done with Diamond I went on to working Dude, the stallion. He was very talkative today. He did a very loud ‘I am here’ whinny while I had him in the cross ties and was grooming him. Then we walked around for 20 minutes. Nothing exciting happened at the walk. I had to keep touching him with the spur to keep him moving forward at a nice pace.

Murphy came after Dude. Murphy is a warm blood and I think that he has to be one of the most literal horses that I’ve ever met. I also don’t think that all the lights are on up stairs. Either that or he’s just lazy. But as I was riding him there was a life flight helicopter that came to the fire station about a quarter mile from the stables. The other riders were concerned over the horses freaking out over the noise, but he was fairly quiet about it. He ended up being the last horse of the day.

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Once I was done with work I went and I saw Gucci who was happy to see me. I think that it was mostly because I was feeding him lunch. Ha! No, he was good. I ended up digging out part of his stall to get his mats lying back down evenly. While I was digging his stall out he was walking about the property and kept bugging my parents for carrots and apples. But he was good and came when I called for him.

I haven’t been sleeping good the past week or so. Like last night I crawled into bed exhausted and slept for a little while. But when my boyfriend crawled into bed around midnight I seemed to wake up and then I was awake until about 4 am. I took a bath, I lied down on the sofa and watched some TV, I even did some coloring. I just couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t get to sleep. And it sucks. Because now after riding all morning I’m super tired and I’m trying to stay awake until bedtime. I can do it… I hope.

Okay, I have to get this off my chest.

What the person did in response to my post seems stupid and childish. It also feels like it proves that my feelings were right in that they didn’t like me. That they don’t like me or trust me. And I’m sorry, but if you are going to tell someone that they are disturbed and need help, I don’t think trying to get them out of your life is the responsible thing. Or something that helps.

It doesn’t make me feel any better. It made me feel worse than I already was feeling. I’m having problems with staying in contact and maintaining friendships. I have people that I sometimes talk to. But I really just want to yell at this person. Tell them to go **** themselves in the *** with a broomstick. I didn’t make them read my blog, its great that they did, but I didn’t make them. I didn’t write it for them, I wrote it for me. It was what I was feeling, it was what I needed to get off my chest at the time. That I was trying to help myself. And they have no right to judge me.

I am getting help. I talk to someone and I take medication. I am struggling to do my best. And that is all that I can do is my best. If someone else wrote a blog or an entry like what I had written I would see if there was anything that I could do to help, not limit my contact with them. I would try to make sure that I understand what is going on.

It was apparently written in too much detail for them. But I write, and I read a lot. I have an active imagination. So forgive me for adding detail to make it real. What would have happened if it was a sex scene, or something besides what it was about? Now I just feel unwelcome in that circle. Which sucks.

I know that wanting to yell at them isn’t a step in the right direction, isn’t the way to fix the problem, but its how I feel right now. I am so… betrayed right now. I feel like I could pull the knife out of my back with how much it hurt. I know that this is a little angry, and rage filled. But this hurt is a few days old and it still hasn’t died down. This is just one of those things I need to get off my chest, to express myself.

Okay, thank you all for reading this. I’m hoping to get back to writing a blog a day, or maybe every other day if I can’t do that.

Just keep swimming

giphy (27)

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