These are my confessions…(Week 24)

Hi from Monday!

I slept okay last night, minus kicking my blankets off then being to cold and snuggling deep into what blankets I did have. I woke up for Fiks to kiss me goodbye, then I fell back asleep. Until the garbage truck showed up and then that woke me up. So I moved into the living room after grabbing my cinnamon roll and turning on Futurama.

I fell back to sleep after my roll and I woke up after Futurama was done. So I turned on and watched some Disney+. After spending a while to wake up I got dressed and headed over to Gucci. Gucci still had his blanket on when I got there, so I took it off and put on his fly mask. Then I gave him a flake of hay, which he took a bite out of as soon as I walked through the door with it.

I went inside and didn’t find anyone, so I went upstairs and found Mom and Lumi in the bedroom. Mom was watching Dr Pol, and Lumi started bouncing around when he saw me. He accidentally scratched mom in all of his excitement. Then we started heading downstairs and found Poppa in his little computer room.

Poppa and I went and cleaned out Gucci’s water. It was gross. It was black and smelly with bugs in it. Poor guy. I guess we had lapsed in the cleaning of it every week. Poppa said he wanted to weed wack inside Gucci’s stall, so I put his halter on and we went over and said hi to Mom and Lumi had come outside. Mom ran inside the house to get Gucci a couple of carrots. We did his 3 laps around the driveway and then we stood around and watched Poppa weed whack.

I love his mane. Its so cool that its so many different colors, and I love his length. I don’t care that its not super short anymore. He’s not showing and so he can be a little long. Poppa got done weed whacking inside his stall and wanted to do the outside, so I put Gucci back inside his stall. I gave him a carrot and then I locked him in. I made up his buckets for the next few days, and he put his head over the fence and started to supervise me. I put a little bit of senior in my hands and he dove into it, then realized it wasn’t a carrot and made a funny face.

While Poppa was whacking I went inside and asked Mom for some help. I asked her if she’d help me fill up Gucci’s water, and she said yes. So I turned it on and then went to his stall and put his electrolytes in and waited for the bucket to get full and then I told Mom to turn off the water. Then Poppa was done with the weed whacker, one of the strands had broken, so he was done for the day.

We went inside and then Poppa asked me to help him with his laptop and printer. Apparently it hasn’t been working for the past couple of days. So I did everything I could think of to get it to work, and I still couldn’t get it to work. He hooked it up to his other computer and it worked. So I’m stumped. Then we had sandwiches for lunch and watched Dr Pol.

I came home and watched some more Disney+ and then got cleaned up. I had dried mud and shavings on my legs from cleaning Gucci’s water earlier. I did my deep conditioning hair conditioner. I went over and looked at my Sister’s kittens. They’re cute, but they are tiny. And her getting kittens is a whole other can of worms I don’t want to deal with.

Speaking of things I don’t want to deal with. I went on Facebook for the first time in a week for more than a minute or two just to talk to my cousin. I saw the copy of a tweet saying that cops haven’t stopped a single school shooting since being hired. I knew that was wrong. So I went and looked up an article where an officer did stop a shooting and then posted the link in response. Then I deleted it because I didn’t want to get in a fight. But here ya go:

I know that there are worse thing in the world going on right now. I get that racism is a thing, and its horrible and it needs to change. Black lives do matter, and that is what needs to change. They need to be heard, but I can be pro law enforcement and not be racist. But a lot of people don’t see it that way, so I’m shy to stand up and out for myself.

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I feel like it makes me a bad person that I feel this way. I… I know I’m not a bad person. I do my best not to be racist, I can’t say I’ve always been perfect. None of us can. If you can, you’re delusional.

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I’m steeling words from other people because I am inarticulate most of the time on the way I feel. Especially on tough subjects like this. I don’t want to make anyone mad or hate me, but I can’t stop the way that I feel about things. Denying how you feel is… untrue, to one’s self. At least that’s the way that I feel.

I’ve been debating about posting this back and forth all week. I felt confident when I wrote it. I felt confident in it a couple of days later. But the longer I’ve been working on this post, the less confident I feel in saying this.

I know that a lot of people don’t know my story. Its none of you’re business. But here is a little bit of it.

I had a cop save my life. Literally. He saw the signs of abuse and helped me get out of a really bad relationship. I was too scared to do it by myself. I felt trapped, and in danger, but I was too afraid to tell my parents. I felt ashamed, embarrassed that rough and tumble tom boy me got into that place. My horse protected me from him whenever he saw him. I should have listened to how Gucci behaved around him. He would keep his ears pinned, he actually would full on body block him from me while we were at the barn together. I couldn’t have friends. I couldn’t do anything except be with family without him. Well, that and classes at the college. That’s where I met the cop. The cop had seen me over the years in classes. And then in the last 6 months of the relationship, things got bad. Physical and violent. The cop saw the change in me, in my personality and how I acted, how I moved, it apparently all screamed ‘victim’ (you have no idea how hard that word in this case was for me to write). He told me I needed to get out, otherwise it would just get worse. I wouldn’t be able to hide my bruises from my parents forever. He told me the steps to get out, and I used them.

That’s my story, that’s why I like cops. Not everyone has my experience or understanding. And I’m not saying that every cop is right. I’m not saying that there aren’t bad cops out there. I’m not saying that things don’t need to change. Because they do. And things will change though all of this, hopefully for the better.

Anyway, off onto better things.

I think I’ll be taking another week off from Facebook. If things can still rial me up, I don’t think I’m in the head space for it. Fiks was awesome and headed over to my parents house after work to help Poppa with his printer. Unknown at this time if he was successful or not. I started making dinner, pork and rice. Figured he would be tired after his day. The pork and rice were good. Fiks is still over at my parents house working on the computer.

Fiks eventually got the laptop and the printer talking, so yay. Then he came home and got cleaned up and ate dinner. We watched YouTube for a while. We started with Binging with Babbish, then 3D botmaker, then Zefranks on cats. Then I went to bed.

I slept okay last night, I only woke up once. I was kind of awake when Fiks left, so I kissed him goodbye and snuggled into bed for a little bit longer. Then I got up and had a cinnamon roll while watching some Futurama. Then I went and got dressed for meeting the farrier this morning. I drove over and said good morning to him with 2 cookies, and I took his blanket off.

I went inside and Poppa was talking with one of his friends about a fence, Mom was busy drinking coffee and Lumi was being naughty so he was in his kennel. When it was 10 minutes out from his appointment I got Gucci out and we started walking around. Walked around for 20 minutes I’d say. I put him back in his stall and went inside and messaged my farrier. I was busy doing something for Poppa when I thought I heard a car pull up. I asked Poppa to check if it was the farrier, and it was. Well, his assistants.

I ran and got Gucci out. He tried so hard today to be good, he really did. He had a very difficult time on his left front getting done. I held onto him at one point and put his whole head on my shoulder. Heavy! But he was pretty good for the rest of his feet. I think he needs to be seen by a chiropractor.

After Hooves

After he was done getting shoes I swept up the trimming and the hunks of hoof so Lumi didn’t get them. Then Poppa went outside and helped me paste Gucci, who was good for it. He was just over people at that point in his day. So I came home because I didn’t take my uniform over with me and then I flopped on the sofa for a while and watched some Disney+. Then I had half a sandwich before getting dressed for work and heading down to work.

Work was fine when I got there. It was steady and it made the day go by faster. I listened to The Ralph Report and was waiting to see if my voice came on, because I called in on Sunday about Friday’s report (That’s when I listen to it) but nope, I wasn’t on. Sigh. I talked with some of the people who work at the bank and then it was time to close up.

I came home and called a chiropractor for Gucci to see if we could set something up. I’m hoping to hear from her later tonight or tomorrow. I got cleaned up and turned on Disney+ and jumped onto the computer. After a while I changed it to Ghostbusters II. Fiks got home later and got cleaned up. I did nachos with pork and balsamic glaze, Fiks did the rest of the Chinese and then some waffle fries. He had a night of gaming online with his friends, I went to bed once the movie was over.

I slept okay I guess. I woke up at 2 wide awake and started talking to my Cousin, who then asked why I was awake. Its what I do to her when I know she’s up late. We confirmed the movie and then I tried going back to sleep, it took a little while but I got there. I didn’t want to wake up with Fiks, but I did. We did breakfast together and then we went and jumped in our vehicles and went down the mountain.

I listened to Spotify again. Different channel. This channel had Cher, Natasha Bedingfield, Adele, and more! So I waddled around the store and got the groceries that we needed, and a gift card for Fiks from Poppa. The store went fine. There was this guy who kept jumping from line to line, because he had no patience. So I rolled up to the line he just left, and unloaded my groceries. He jumped back into the line behind me, and he just kept glaring at me. Its not my fault he moved.

I went over to my parents house and said hi to Gucci. Poppa came out with Lumi bouncing up and down. I ran inside to give Lumi some pets and grab some cantaloupe rind for Gucci. He was super happy about it and wanted more. So I ended up giving him three pieces (later found out that Poppa only gives him 2) and gave him his breakfast bucket.

I grabbed the 2 bags of carrots and my bag of cold/frozen groceries. I pulled out the ice cream and put it in the freezer and the rest of the stuff went into the fridge. Mom was up, so we watched the news. Well, we tried. It was the memorial for the officer who died in the line of duty last week. I didn’t really want to watch it, so we watched Nat Geo Wild and the vet shows that were on.

Poppa came and had his cereal and afterwards we went to go paste Gucci. He was pretty good about it this morning. Poppa mucked out his stall while I was busy taking off his blanket and putting on his fly mask. While I was putting on his fly mask the gate swung in and booped him on the butt, which made him spook, which made him stand on my foot. Owie! Haven’t had that happen in a while. There was a spider with a red dot on it hanging down from Gucci’s mask, so I got it off his mask.

We went back inside and I kept watching TV and Poppa started puttering on one of his projects. When it was time I started getting ready to leave, Mom came downstairs from her shower. I said goodbye to her, and to Lumi, Poppa and I went outside. I gave Gucci his 2 goodbye carrots, which he sucked up really quick.

I dropped Poppa off at the garbage cans and then made my way home. I unloaded the groceries and brought them inside and put them (mostly) away. It was getting to be time for international film night, so I sat down on the sofa and got ready.

I got the phone call from the chiropractor and we set up and appoint for Gucci in 2 weeks on Wednesday. I’m excited, I hope it makes him feel better. My Cousin called and we did our little video chat before starting the movie. I was being naughty and browsing through Facebook and I saw that the memorial was still going. I tuned in in time to see the Sheriff give the mans son his badge and for his last call. I got really emotional with that.

I told my cousin and she asked if we should stop the movie, I said no, I needed the distraction. The movie was good, I was stupid and paused the movie when I had someone at the door, but they were just dropping my Stitch Fix off. We kept talking through the movie and even made the same comments a few times.

I tried on the jeans and the tops, decided to keep the jeans, the sweatshirt, and one of the tops. The rest I’ll send back. But then I ordered a pair of shorts and a top from Stitch Fix, so you know, it probably balances out. I then kept watching Disney+ and took and unscheduled nap. Afterwards I remained flopped on the sofa for a while, and then I cleaned up the kitchen and put the rest of the groceries away.

I just basically flopped on the sofa until Fiks showed up. I watched YouTube Binging with Babish mostly. Then Fiks came home, got cleaned up and then we did tacos for dinner. We watched some Avatar before going back to YouTube and watching another episode of Binging with Babish.

I slept okay last night. I woke up once and then I woke up again when Fiks left and a little bit later I woke up and moved to the sofa with Futurama and a cinnamon roll. I was awake enough for my doctors appointment, it seemed to go okay. I told her how I’ve been struggling, how my anxiety has been higher then normal. We increased one of the medicines I take for my anxiety. Then I fell back to sleep on the sofa and finished Futurama.

I woke up and got dressed and headed over to my parents house and said hi to Gucci. I gave him his cookies and took off his blanket and put on his fly mask. No bugs this time. I went inside and said hi to Mom, Poppa, and Lumi. Lumi met me at the door with a couple barks and then ran outside to grab a toy.

I sat down with Mom and we finished what movie she was watching on the Hallmark channel. Then we put it on Doctor Pol and watched that for a little while. Poppa and I went and pasted Gucci and let him out while we were making his buckets. Mom came out with Lumi and the phone for Poppa, who went back inside the house. Lumi had the zoomies and kept running back and forth in the field, almost running into Gucci. I grabbed Gucci with the lead rope and brought him back to his stall.

After we went inside the house we made a sandwich to split for lunch. We continued to watch Dr Pol until it was time for me to leave. Mom and I went outside and gave Gucci his goodbye carrots and fly sprayed him before I left. I kissed him goodbye and told him to behave.

I got to work on time, and I got a good parking spot. I sat and read my book 39 and listened to music until it was time to go in. It was a fairly good day. Kind of slow. Had a couple of jerks come in, but besides that it was fine. I asked the manager for help on composing and email for tomorrow for the job I’ve been waiting to hear from all week.

I came home and went to the mail box to pick up a box that had finally showed up 3 months late. But I got my dice! My Phoenix and my Unicorn dice. I took them out of their boxes and dunked them in some soapy water to clean them up a little bit and then went and got cleaned up. Afterwards I cleaned them up and put them in my dice tray.

All the dice in the dice tray

The Unicorn Dice

The Phoenix dice.

I’m super happy to have these. I can’t wait to play with them on Saturday.

We did Nachos for dinner. Fiks had a amtgard meeting he attended, and then he played games with his friends again. I sat on the sofa and watched something on Netflix, its hard to remember now. When it was stime I went to bed.

I slept okay last night, I woke up with my alarm and got ready for work. I packed my lunch, grabbed my cinnamon roll, and headed over to my parents house to take care of Gucci before work. Poppa was out walking Lumi when I got there, and Gucci came cantering in from his paddock and whinnied at us. Poppa put Lumi back in the house and came back out to much out Gucci’s stall. I gave Gucci his breakfast bucket and a flake of hay with some cookies and carrots. Then I went inside to say hi to Mom.

I sat down with Mom and had my cinnamon roll and then I made up Gucci’s medicine and then Poppa and I went and pasted him. He was a really good boy for it. Then we went back inside. We all watched the news for a little while then I had to get going for work. But the news did announce that tattoo parlors are opening starting today, so hopefully I’l hear from my artist soon about an appointment.

I got to work okay. I sat and read my book for a little bit. It was Pride week at the bank and they had this really cool chalk(?) artwork done at the front of the building.

I thought it was super cool.

Work went fine. I didn’t really get to listen to my podcasts because there was a lot of coin machine use and the greeters wanted to talk most of the day. I did get through some. I got through the Ralph Report and then I got through some short ones, so the day didn’t totally suck.

I came home and picked up the packages that were on the porch and in the mail box. On the porch was my new Wall-E bag/back pack and then package held Poppa’s fathers day presents. I had gotten him a flash light to replace the one he lost, and then he found it earlier this week, like on Monday. Crap. So I ordered him some books I think he’ll enjoy.

After inspecting my loot I went and got cleaned up. After a little while Fiks got home and I pulled the truck out so he could park in the back since I would be leaving first. He then went and got cleaned up and then we did steaks for dinner and watched YouTube videos. Afterwards I went to bed,

Its now 517 am and I am wide awake, been wide awake since 4 am. It sucks because its just at that awkward time that I can’t take another sleeping pill because I’ll sleep through my alarm. I talked with my Cousin for a little while and wished her a happy 5th anniversary. Then I ended up passing out on the sofa for like 30 minutes, so I got some more sleep, then my alarm went off and I got ready for work. I kissed Fiks goodbye and packed my lunch and breakfast and off to work I went.

I got there a little early, which was fine. Gave me time to settle in and get comfy. I listened to my podcasts and read my book 39 while logging in a lot of vehicles. I was really busy all day. The day was going fairly good until some jerk tried to sneak in behind someone and broke one of the arms. He looked at me and then he floored it away. I went looking for him and I couldn’t find him, stupid white BMW. I called the HOA lady and told her what happened and she wasn’t super pissed at me this time. Yay!

Afterwards I went over to my parents to take care of Gucci. I guess he’d been standing at his gate for most of his day, looking over the top at everyone. It was to cold for him to want his blanket off, I think he was just hungry. I gave him his cookies and half of a carrot when I got there.

He’s chewing on a cookie here.

After I said hi to him I went inside and said hi to Mom and Lumi. Lumi barked at me and then calmed down once he saw that it was me. Mom showed me the package that came wrong for Poppa, I’ll have to fix that next week. They sent staples instead of a printer cartridge. Don’t ask me why, because I have no bloody clue. I made up Gucci’s medicine and then we went and pasted him and gave him his dinner. I had to open a new bale of hay and it took me a few minutes to find the strings to cut open. We went back inside and cleaned up a little bit. Mom left to go to the grocery store and I came home.

Fiks was watching The Ralph Report Cocktail Party and was halfway dressed in his wedding suit. The top half. And on the bottom half were Slytherin PJ’s. Totally clashed. But he was hoping to get on the screen of TRRCP. He didn’t make it, oh well.

We sat and watched some Avatar while waiting for our dinner, pizza, to show up. I messed up on my side of the pizza and forgot to have them remove the mushrooms. Gross. So we did that until it was time for gaming.

Gaming was fun, we were in combat for most of the time that I was awake and playing. I started to crash around 9 and then I went to bed and 930. Shit went crazy after I went to bed. (Copied from Fiks’ Facebook post)

“[D&D 5e] Tonight’s adventure ended with two PC deaths, one of which resulted in the big campaign boss, Strahd, coming back to life, and one PC getting abandoned to the whim of the vampire with the other remaining PC being the sole character to escape Barovia before its borders close to escape again. They’ll be the one loose tie of continuity between the old party and the new party.
Anime as hell.”

I was the one who was left behind and became Strahd’s new general basically. Not a bad way for her to go, I can happily see her doing that. I know what species I want my new character to be, but what I want her to be is another question.

I woke up at 145 and drug Fiks to bed with me, I had a hard time falling back to sleep and woke up at 330 again. Then I just dozed until my alarms went off. It was way to early for my alarms. But I got dressed and kissed Fiks goodbye and made my lunch and breakfast and off to work I went.

Work wasn’t too bad today. No where near as busy as yesterday. I read my book 39 and listened to my podcasts and started my new book 40. I didn’t have anyone drive through the gate today, but most people went through the open/broken one, so I wasn’t as busy as I would have been.

After work I went over to my parents house for Father’s Day dinner with Mom and Poppa. We did a quick little chat with my Cousin and her family over in Europe with everyone that was at my parents house. Mom, Poppa, Fiks, and myself. Dinner was skirt steak, mine was a little to raw for me and wasn’t sitting in my tummy well. I’ll warm it up in the skillet for dinner tomorrow or something.

After dinner I made up Gucci’s medicine and Fiks went outside with me to paste him. He was pretty good for it, so that was nice. I dropped the syringe with a little bit of medicine still left in it, but it wasn’t enough for a fight. Then I made his dinner buckets and Fiks just kept talking with him, seeing if he could get him to come out of his corner. He wouldn’t.

We went back inside and had cherry pie and watched a Tom Cruise movie. Jack Reacher I think, don’t ask me which one though. While we were watching I got a email from my tattoo guy to see if Fiks and I were still interested, I responded yes. I though I wouldn’t hear from him for a week or two considering they just opened up Friday.

And that’s been it. We have a couple of adulting things to do still, like laundry and garbage. But yeah…

I guess I’ll see you next week

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