Hey, sorry for the lack of blog the past few weeks. Thinks have been a bit rough and I haven’t had the emotional spoons to blog. But here I am again back at it.

MONDAY

I slept okay last night, only waking up a few times. Fiks and I both woke up with the garbage truck going by. He got out of bed first tho, I stayed and dozed for a few minutes more. But when we were both up and out of bed we made the bed and dumped our clean laundry on it so we could start our dirty laundry.

Fiks came back from starting the laundry and asked what the plan was. One was to make waffles then go do errands, or go do errands and get a haircut. I wanted waffles but I also wanted to get to the grocery store early. So we got dressed and hopped in the truck and came down the mountain and headed to the hairdresser for Fiks.

He ran in and put his name down for half hour later. He came and grabbed me and we walked down to Starbucks and got some drinks and hung out there for a little bit before coming back to the hairdresser. I’m working on this in the truck while he’s getting his hair done.

I’m dealing with a day of depression kicking my ass. Hopefully my meds will kick in and make my day go better. Fiks also suggested thinking about something to do that’s kinda self care. All I want to do is go see Gucci but he’s not here anymore.

We went to the grocery store after Fiks came back from getting his hair cut. We did okay. We were coming home when there was a car in the middle of the road so I couldn’t pull in and park. Apparently she wanted to park in my driveway. It was a disaster. She backed up when Fiks got out of the truck so I was able to pull forward and back up. She then pulled into the driveway next to ours.

When we got the truck unloaded and put the cold stuff away Fiks made waffles for lunch. We sat down and watched some Psych before I headed over to my Sister’s house to take care of Poppa while she and Mom ran some errands. I was all ready to watch the new West Side Story with my Cousin, then she reminded me that they haven’t had their time change yet, so Poppa and I watched British Bake Off for a while waiting for the call. Poppa and I were happy to see my Cousin and her Family and so we chatted for a bit then started the movie.

It’s a good remake of the old movie. I haven’t seen the original in years, so I didn’t really remember it very well, but I loved the songs and dancing. Poppas physical therapist showed up and so I watched him blaze through his exercises and then we wrote down his new exercises so he could keep track. We then sat him back down at his Legos. He’s working on the Aston Martin DB5.

After my sister and mom coming back I went back to my house for dinner that Fiks had cooked. I was mostly done when I realized that I didn’t take a photo. But it was good, trust me. Steak and potatoes and Brussel sprouts. I turned on Psych and watched that while Fiks gamed with his other group throughout the night. I also red and finished my book, and took a break to figure out what I wanted to read next. When it was time I went to bed and decided on my next book and couldn’t put it down, so I was up late.

TUESDAY

I slept pretty good last night, and I had a rough time waking up this morning. I woke up to a kiss from Fiks, then I remembered I had to move the truck so that he could get out to go to work. Fine I guess. I moved the truck then crawled onto the sofa and passed out for a while until it was time to get ready for work. I got dressed and then I made my lunch and I made my way down the mountain to work.

I got there just in the nick of time. I started stocking and refilling products and drawers, and rooming people. The day was pretty okay, I even asked if I could learn how to feel for a vein so I could start doing blood draws. I wanted to ask that last week but everyone was pissed off at me for most of last week it felt like, so I felt good about that. We didn’t do it today, but at least now they know I want to learn how to do blood draws. I mostly roomed people and gave vaccines.

I ran to my sisters house after work and grabbed Lumi and took him down to be evaluated for training reasons, because he’s been acting out a lot lately. I told them what he has been doing, and was prepared for the worst. Nope, he was a perfect gentleman, not acting out at all. I swear the trainer thought I was lying, but they saw stuff that backed up what I was saying, so that was nice. They say that he lost confidence and so we need to start boosting that again. We’re going to do training on Tuesday nights after work.

After class I brought him home and told my Parents and Sister the report. My Sister had a few questions and problems with what the plan was, but I said I’d get more answers tomorrow. I came home and took a shower and then I turned on Psych and ate some nibbles and started working on this. I’m waiting for Fiks to get home at the moment.

WEDNESDAY

I didn’t sleep the best last night, lots of tossing and turning. I got up and had my yogurt for breakfast and then watched a bit of Psych before getting up and getting ready for work. I made my lunch and fed the fish before taking off for work.

I got there on time so that was nice. And people weren’t really pissy, so that was another plus. I did my best, and started to learn how to feel for a vein. I also learned a few tricks in dealing with a syringe, so now I walk around with 2 in my pocket and practice drawing back on the plunger using the correct fingers. I worked on that when I wasn’t busy with something else. But the day was mostly good, so that was nice.

I came home and was starving, so I ate a garlic twist from Saturday and then I grabbed clean clothes and went and got cleaned up. I grabbed a slice of pizza and ate that while watching Psych. My Sister invited me over to her house, so I went there for a bit and said hi to Mom and Poppa. They had a good but busy day. I came back home after a little bit, being tired and just in a bad head space. My mood and mindset didn’t get any better as the night progressed. I talked to Fiks and I thought I was making things better, but I have a feeling I only made them worse.

THURSDAY

Today was another day of depression kicking my ass. I was reluctant to wake up with Fiks, I just moved to the sofa and ate my breakfast and fell back to sleep. I woke up and got ready for work and headed down the hill without making lunch because I’m meant to be done at lunch time today. I get there and I try not to let anyone else’s mood impact my shitty one. I try to act like everything is fine, even though its not. A isn’t feeling well today, so she goes home before lunches start, I decided to stay to help after checking in with my Sister. My Parents were busy today with appointments, but thankfully my Sister had help already scheduled.

When the day was done I came home and just sat on the sofa for a while, doing nothing. I managed to get up to get in the shower, and then I sit back down on the sofa and watch some Psych. When I start feeling hungry I start cooking dinner; fillet mignon, potatoes, and carrots. I’ve never cooked fillet mignon before, so I took to the internet on advice on how to cook it. Everything ends up turning out really well. The fillet is like butter, and I just cooked it to the perfect doneness. And I ate almost all the roasted carrots, leaving few behind for Fiks.

Fiks comes home after I am done cooking. He likes the cook on his fillet and so he eats everything that’s there. He even finished eating my steak and potatoes. He was tired and stressed out because of something happening at work, so I asked if he wanted to play his video game Horizon Forbidden West. He did, so I watched him play that for a while before going and crawling into bed.

FRIDAY

Wow. The start of today was just hard. I had a really hard time waking up and then finding motivation to go into work. And then when I got to work it was stupid busy, it felt like I was rooming everyone all by myself again. I know I wasn’t, it just felt like it. I’m just struggling so much in my head with what’s going on in my head, the stress and worry of everything else, I feel like I’m starting to drown again, and I haven’t felt this way in a long time. There have been off days every here and there, and outside of losing Gucci last year (and that was a different feeling), I’ve been doing pretty good.

Anyway, back to work. I tried to remain positive and not let the drowning feeling affect my work performance, but I think it was too much to ask. I felt like people were mad at me for being late, taking things personally when I probably shouldn’t. I kept working and doing things until I was super hungry, then asked if I could go to lunch because A hadn’t sent me yet.

I called Fiks when I was on my lunch, wanting to talk to him, but he was busy at work and it wasn’t really a good time to talk for him. We hung up and I read my book and listened to The Ralph Report while eating my lunch. I couldn’t remember what time I had clocked out, so I went back and clocked in and was a few minutes early. Whatever, makes up for being late this morning I guess.

I made it through the rest of the afternoon, and I know my mood was coming out because I started to complain, which I have yet to do at work about work. I still did stuff, just wasn’t happy about it. When we were done I came home and sat on the sofa, waiting to hear from Fiks about dinner. I went and jumped in the shower after ordering dinner and then sat back down and watched Psych.

I waited for dinner to show up, and it did. I ate Chinese food and watched Psych and waited for Fiks to come home. When he got home he ate Chinese food and we talked for a little bit before I broke down and told him how I was feeling and what was going on. He was very kind and supportive, which help aleve some of my stress and worry. I watched him play Herizon Forbidden West for a while before going to bed.

SATURDAY

I slept okay last night, but I still have the feeling of drowning going on, but not nearly as bad. I got out of bed and got my yogurt and watched Psych until it was time for me to get ready for work. Then I made my way down the mountain and pulled into work a few minutes early, so that was nice.

Today wasn’t too busy, which was a good and bad thing at the same time. We had clients to room and tech visits, but it just didn’t seem chaotic like it normally does. One of the doctors had 4 dogs come in at once; they were all under 8lbs, but still, that’s a lot of dogs. Then A, V, and K started focusing on the c-section that was going to happen at the end of the shift. I wasnt staying around for it, for multiple reasons but mostly to take care of my Parents .

When I was done I made my way home, had a shower and a nap, then went over to my Sister’s house and said hi and took care of my Parents for a couple of hours.

When my Sister came back I walked back home and ordered pizza for dinner since we were gaming tonight. Then I turned on Psych and continued to read my book. Dinner showed up a little bit earlier than I was expecting, but I didn’t care because I was hungry. I texted Fiks that pizza had arrived and then I got the ‘I’m coming home’ text a few minutes later.

He had a really bad day at work, and then he had a rough time at home for the first 30-45 minutes, but once we were gaming he got better. We met a dragon, defeated a God (my bother bloodied said God), and I met the person that I had been looking for. I what I was looking for from her, and then we just kinda ended after the epic battle, it being late. Fiks and Laoric stayed up late talking, I went to bed and read for a while more (I had been reading when I wasn’t paying attention in gaming).

SUNDAY

I slept okay last night, waking up a few times, but nothing bad enough to move me out to the sofa and turn on the TV. When Fiks woke up I woke up, and I snuggled up against him for a little while while he was on his phone. Then we decided to get up and moved to the sofa and Fiks started playing Herizon Forbidden West, and I snuggled down on the sofa and talked with my Cousin for a while. Then my Sister messaged me asking me to come over around noon.

When it was like 10 to 12 I went over to my Sisters house, expecting her to be heading down to her sewing class for a few hours. Nope. She was going to a hotel about an hour away. We took out her garbage and then we changed the kitty litter boxes, I was just getting frustrated with her, but its okay. When she left I set up Mom with the Great British Baking Show and helped Poppa with his Legos for a while. I got very frustrated, and when Fiks came over I let him and Poppa start to work on the Legos. Fiks figured out what I had going on wrong and was able to fix it. So that was lucky.

Mom and I watched Baking Show for a while, and then my Brother came over and brought in stuff to make dinner. Then because Fiks and I were staying, he went and took a nap while we continued to do our things. I tried to read but couldn’t seem to focus long enough on it. When he came out Mom and I helped him cook while the other two continued to play Legos. Dinner turned out good, it was another insta-pot dish; chicken alfredo with broccoli with fresh bread. Fiks went back for seconds, and we now have left overs.

I’m going to leave it here for this week.

~Just keep swimming~